Never+Ending+Story

... - Never ending story...


 * Keep it clean, keep it appropriate but keep it interesting and keep it funny...**

It was a damp and dreary Monday morning, but nothing out of the ordinary for the Portland area. I'd just come in from my run and Anton was there waiting for me with an airline ticket. I took off my coat and then put it back on, knowing that this ticket was likely going to take me somewhere far away, and soon.

When I looked at the ticket, it was written in another language. I looked more closely and saw that I was going to

"Now that I'm here, now that you're here...... in Xanadu "! I stepped back in total shock, and fell off the chair I was standing on to dust off the dining room light (you see after I took my coat off I remembered the light was out in the chandelier) ...Bill and Olivia rushed over to where I lay, stunned and winded, and exclaimed, "A 100 watt bulb! Are you crazy? Are you trying to burn down the house?" It was then that I realized Olivia was.....

actually the irritating telemarketer who phoned me last Thursday (at dinner time, of course) to ask if I would like to buy lightbulbs to help support a needy organization. I realized it was her because when I told her "No thank you, I had just bought a 4-pack of 100 watt bulbs earlier that day" she began yelling and screaming on the phone at me in that same obnoxious tone of voice I heard just now. She yelled: "100 watt bulbs! Are you crazy? Are you trying to burn down the house?" So, needless to say, I got real mad at her. I got chills. They're multiplying. And I'm losing control. Then I really blew my lid. I yelled back at her: "You're **not** the one that I want, oo, oo, oo honey, **not** the one that I want, oo, oo, oo," and I proceeded to slam the phone recevier in her ear. Anyway.......

the door bell rang. The three of us (Bill, Olivia, and I) walked to the door in in unison. We opened it slowly. A large package was on the doorstep. I pulled out my Jim Bowie knife from my pantsuit pocket and cut open the box. A book was inside. A book I recognized all too well. In terror, I opened it up. It was a copy of the state of Oregon Essential Learning Skills and Common Curriculum Goals for 1994. And, hidden underneath it, was another small book. I screamed in horror! An unused copy of "Who Moved My Cheese?"........I began to hyperventilate. My mind................

drifted back 14 years ago. //Gaia: One Woman's Journey// was recently released and //"Why Me"// was playing on the radio...

... After ignoring my problem and "shaking off from my spirit what must have been a dream," I went to the TV. This is what normal people do when they've had a shock, you see. I flipped to NBC, and chuckled as //The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air// flashed on the screen. "Re-runs," I thought to myself. So I turned to Fox, and found //Melrose Place//. //The Nanny// and //Coach// met me on the other network channels. The first bead of panicked perspiration appeared on my forehead. I scurried out the front door (kicking the portentous box aside), stopped short after a few paces, and noticed that Monday morning had turned into Monday evening. The cell phone tower that usually greeted my horizonal view from the front door had disappeared. The neighborhood had disappeard. The air smelled different; I //felt// different. (And for some reason, I was thinking like William Shattner spoke his lines in Star Trek.) Slowly, cautiously, I limped back in the house. The Nanny's excruciating laugh assaulted my ears. Bill and Olivia had changed into (gasp) my parents and both wore concerned looks. The idea first floated across my mind, but I dismissed it as impossible. Then I caught a glimpse of myself in the hallway mirror. Horror. I was in my Winter Formal dress, replete with...

a wrist corsage that made my wrist look like it was suffering from some disease from outerspace. Horrified, I ripped the corsage from my wrist and flung it violently across the room. It thunked sickeningly against the living room window. This was all becoming too surreal. Something outside caught my attention. Great Miracles Happen and Rings Around the Moon! Somewhere, a disco beat began playing softly. As I stared, transfixed by the apparition slowly taking form in the darkness, the music swelled to a pulsating crescendo. Memories of the Girl with the Diamond Eyes whose Love Never Dies swept over me. Just then, my computer bleeped letting me know. ..

that the Bank of The Cascades had a fantastic offer and it was JUST FOR ME! I was about to check it out when I noticed Bill and Olivia - except - they were NOT Bill and Olivia, but somehow had become Donny and Marie... except Marie was a little bit rock 'n roll and Donny was a little bit country. what happened? Had I entered into the twilight zone? Was the milk I drank earlier in the day within its expiration date? Suddenly from the open door...

I realized that it was no longer raining and I wasn't in Central Oregon. I stepped out of my door onto a beach filled with warm white sand, palm trees waving gently, crystal blue water, and no one in site. I thought to myself, am I dreaming or am I awake?

My first thought went to Bill and Olivia. I have lost him, I thought, through tears. After meeting him in the late 70s, I never thought that he was really in love with the big hair and pinstripes that I was wearing next to my satin blouse. I hope he and Olivia have a horrible time in discoland. Wait a minute! I am here in paradise, thinking of Xanadu. Just then, I saw....

Rush Limbaugh jogging down the beach. He was wearing a blue speedo, a pair of high top Chuck Taylors, and a grin on his angelic face. He ran up to me and said: Greetings Ditto Head!

I really wanted to run after him but even so I wasn't so sure I wanted to catch him. He looked different in person than on his book cover? As I got closer to him I realized it wasn't Rush Limbaugh but instead Tom Selleck and he was on my Paradise Island. I thought my Island was deserted so I had to run up to him and ask....

Did you get here by wiggling through a worm hole TOO?? And they say there's no proof that those exist! You know what else exists that folks would never in a million years believe is...

"Boss, da plane, da plane!" We heard behind us. As I jumped away from Tom, a booming propeller sounded near us. A plane crashed right off shore near our island, and two strange figures emerged from the wreckage. "Well, hello! I never thought that I would see you again." Tom shouted out into the water. "This is ridiculous!" I said, my mouth gaping in realization. It was. . . A masked man on a silver horse and his faithful friend Tonto galloping thru the foaming surf. I turned in wonder as the white rabbit said "Who was that masked man?"...

That masked man was Dick Clark! He has been searching for someone to start in his triumphant return television and who better than Olivia and Rush to draw an audience?

Yet somehow my being dressed in a Winter Formal on the beach seemed appropriate for Dick Clark's return. . .and so it was! As he glanced my way, I knew I'd be invited to be on tv with Olivia, Rush, and. ..

Ryan Seacrest. Yes, that is right, I would be performing against Rush and Olivia on American Idol.

There I stood in front of Paula, Randy, and Simon dressed in my best "Grease" outfit and singing "Hopelessly Devoted To You." Simon liked it and even said I did it better than Olivia. Paula said that I could be a star. Randy thought that I should have been the one originally cast in the movie.

Rush sang his heart out in black leather pants with a red dog dish on his head to the song "Whip It" by Devo. Let's just say that it was not a performance that will move him on to the next round.

I rocked! The only person standing between me being the next American Idol was Olivia. She entered the stage in the same outfit that I was wearing and began to sing "Summer Nights." I didn't know how she was going to do both the female and the male part and then out walks John........

Wayne. He said, "Howdy Partner" which completely threw Olivia off, as he wasn't the John her stream of consciousness narrative was calling for. She collapsed in a blubbering heap even before Simon was through with putting her down and when America went to the phones, I was pretty sure I had it in the bag. On the following night when they read the results, however, the top performance was declared to be

a performer who had not made it to the finals. The phone numbers had been rigged and all of the calls had been routed to the number of........

911. Dispatch didn't know what to do with th influx of calls. Oddly enough, there was one caller in America that dialed the wrong number and ended up voting for a previous contestant. The final vote was 1 to 0! I was devastated. I went to my dressing room and began to pack my things when...

I was startled by a knock on the door. It was Simon and Randy with a contract to produce my first recording. "You know the winners rarely become the big stars. We like to work with the runners-up. Carrie Underwood is an anomaly. Look at Clay, Katherine and David!" As I read through the fine print at the bottom of the page...